Last night I slept from 10-11:30, then was up till 3am with a very fussy child. No amount of burping, diaper changing, feeding, shushing (though the simplynoise.com site did help for a mere 20 minutes) was going to help this child sleep. Wide awake was he! After he'd finally stop fussing, he was still WIDE AWAKE! He seems to have his days and nights mixed up still, which we're working on by making sure he's in more sunlight/more stimulated during the day, not swaddled as much during the day and not in his little night shirt he sleeps in (which by the way is a cute little wrap shirt that makes it SO much easier to change, and has the covered hands so he doesn't scratch himself. The only downer is they sort of look like a Star Trek uniform, but Alan likes that fact), but actually putting different sleepers/clothes on him. Last night was our first true saturday night/sunday morning-meaning the bulk of feeding/changing/cooing during the night was on me so that Alan could get sleep before his 4:30 alarm for work. Some of you know that when he lacks in sleep, his prayers are less than accurate and mumbles through them, so for the sake of the flock, I was hoping I could help the music shepherd get some well needed rest before Sunday service. Here's the problem: the child did not sleep!!!
Approximately 3am Alan finally stumbled into the room to see if he could try getting him to sleep, and although my attitude was less than Proverbs 31, and I was starting to get extremely frustrated, I reluctantly handed Isaac over to his daddy who was obviously not getting the sleep I was hoping my staying up would provide. As I was standing by the crib watching Alan rock him, going on about how I've tried everything to get him to sleep I realized Isaac had totally calmed down and was on the verge of dozing off. I was ticked. I had been up for 3.5 hrs, and Alan had already calmed him. HOW?!?! With that Alan sent me to bed to get some well deserved rest, and shortly after he crawled into bed after laying Isaac in the bassinet. I asked him what time it was-3:15. Fifteen minutes!!!! I was up for 3.5 hrs and he was up for 15min!!!
Alan left the house around 5:30am while I was feeding Isaac, and while I was realizing I had to somehow get through at least till 1pm when Alan usually gets home from Sunday services on what little sleep I had. I was a walking zombie with a splitting headache. It's sort of amazing though how that motherly instinct kicks in about the time I'm holding him and feeding him and realizing that regardless of my lack of sleep, he needs me. Isaac can't do anything without me. It didn't matter how much sleep mommy did or didn't get, how little energy I had, how I had beed with him constantly since 11:30 the night before and was well on my way to sleep deprivation-he needed me and I was there for him.
This blog post started out to be a vent, in fact, it was titled "A New Mother's Vent", with a warning in the subtitle that any man may not want to venture to read on as I was about to vent about motherly/womanly/post-partum things, but I suddenly see that this post has taken a different, unexpected turn...
To return to a few paragraphs ago-Isaac needed me. NEEDS me on a constant basis. I can't be selfish and wish for time for myself, to have a moment where I can do what I want, how I want, when I want-I need to be there for him first and foremost. Funny...isn't that how we should be with God? Shouldn't we see ourselves as helpless and turn to Him in every moment of need? 'Cause I know when I do that He's always there for me. With all the chaos in this world, He doesn't say, "Hang on, let me work with this hungry children in Africa/this abused woman/this homeless man, then I'll get to you," no, He is omnipotent-He is everywhere at all times-and that includes there for me when I need Him.
I'm also realizing from my own post here that I don't 'NEED Him' enough. I try to do it on my own. Just like this morning-I didn't want to wake Alan to help-I wanted to do it all on my own for two reasons: 1. Because Alan needed his sleep for work; 2. Because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it on my own without Alan's help so that I know that for future early Sunday mornings I can do it on my own then too. I was mad when Alan calmed Isaac so quickly; I was so reluctant to hand over the child to see if Alan could soothe him instead of me. Don't we also do that to God? We need Him, yet we don't ask for His help. I needed Alan, but I didn't want to bother him and ask for his help, and yet it was Alan who finally calmed Isaac. I think I can do things on my own and don't ask for the Lord's help, and muddle through it on my own, but if I had stopped and asked for His help, imagine how much smoother things would go knowing He already has it taken care of.
Wow. Like I said, I didn't mean for this to be a devotional...it was to be a vent-a chance to complain about my day and the fact that this time I didn't shower or brush my teeth till 7:30pm, but I guess God knew I needed Him to talk me through this day. Thank you, Lord, for knowing I need You even when I don't know it.
And with that, my prayer for the day is this: "Lord, search me and know me...and know that I need sleep tonight!"