Can't sleep. Not sure if it's because my human-making abilities are exhausting me these days and I fell asleep before 9pm, or if after getting up for the umpteenth time to use the restroom Isaac got the hiccups when I laid back down, or if it's because I'm suddenly realizing Friday is the day?? I'm getting nervous about delivery and the fact that in less than a week we'll be parents for the first time. I wonder what I'll be like as a parent? Over protective?? Is there such a thing as an over-protective parent? I went into the nursery just now to get something and it's so cold in there tonight, so I panicked thinking oh no, he's going to be too cold at night!...and he's not even here yet! I know for a fact he'll think his parents are weird and crazy :), and that's ok. He'll get used to us ;) Will he like music, like us, or sports? If he does like music, and this poor child ends up with my lips, there's no way he can play trumpet like his dad and grandpa did! :)...
The only thing I do know about becoming a parent is that I need Him in every moment of every day to guide me. I confess, I originally thought that I'd spend so much time in prayer and the Word preparing for Isaac's arrival, but in these last months I've been so distracted 'nesting' and getting everything ready that I've greatly neglected my own ultimate Father. Why is it that we get so caught up in ourselves that we don't take the time for Him? Why is it that it takes a restless night at 2am that draws me to His word finally? And what about after Isaac comes this weekend? Will I take the time I really don't have then for the Lord like I should? I'm suddenly realizing that I haven't been making Him a priority, and in order to be a parent, a wife, a mom, I have to MAKE time regardless...otherwise I'm sure He'll stir me in the middle of the night to finally draw near to Him, like tonight.
This past spring I truly leaned on Him. I wanted something so bad, and I wasn't getting it. I thought I knew what was best for us-to be pregnant again, and I wanted it right there and then asap! What I didn't realize was that I stopped waiting on Him, and I began trusting in myself. And it didn't happen. for over three months we tried, and no luck (to some that's probably not a very long time, but to us it was an eternity considering when we got pregnant before the miscarriage it only took one month). There was finally one Sunday when, after service, a friend put her baby in my arms and said, "Could you watch her for a minute for me," not realizing what I was thinking/feeling when she did so. Then I heard Alan talking to someone new who asked, "And is that your little daughter your wife is holding?" I was devastated...why had He not remembered me enough to give us another child, and here I was holding her little gift? I came home in tears, and finally fell to my knees. I'd been reading in 1 Samuel Hannah's prayer for a child (she actually asked for a son), and how she asked the Lord to remember her and poured her heart out to the Lord, so I did the same. I prayed that if it was His will, and His will alone, that He'd remember me. And then I left it at that-left Him in control. We stopped trying, we refocused on Him and on each other, and we left the rest up to His timing. The very next month we were pregnant.
God remembered me. ...Have I remembered Him lately? How can I do any of this-carry this child, delivery, become new parents-without truly leaning on my parent-my Father? And more importantly, if I want to show Isaac my love of Christ as he grows, I have to actually take the time to show Christ my love for Him.
I thank Him for stirring me out of sleep tonight to remember Him and refocus on Him. It's sad that it took that to finally make me realize how much I need Him, but I'm thankful for the peacefulness He's given me tonight in reminding me to focus and lean on Him, and the rest will fall into place according to His will and timing. In 1 Samuel 1:27 Hannah says, "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him." I praise Him for remembering us and for this gift that is about to come!
Resting in His presence tonight,