It's been awhile again since I've written. Life has a way of getting crazy now that Isaac has come along, but I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I have loved spending every minute possible with my little man. He giggles now-amazing! He's definitely getting bigger :). He's almost able to sit on his own!!! Still not quite rolling over yet though, too many little rolls in the way I think. He's also learning to get my attention.
The other day he was pouting, not like whiny but sort of, and with the bottom lip all puckered out. No tears though. That was my sign to know that it wasn't for real. I'd walk over to him, while he played in his feeding chair, and play with him for barely two seconds and the pouting would stop and instantly turn into a grin and giggle. Then I'd walk away, and almost instantly he'd start in again. Seems he just wanted attention; he just wanted me. So I'm learning, slowly, when to give into him and play with him, and when it's ok to wait and let him play alone so that I'm not at his constant beck and call.
Lately I've also been really frustrated spiritually. I'm craving God-I'm craving His word, knowledge about Him. I'm thirsting to learn more of the bible and to know the depths of His teachings, that I may better understand, that I may pass it on to my kids one day, that I may share it with others. I'm wanting to grow in Him, but I've been distracted, distant and very unfocused when it does come to 'quiet time'. I think I'm like Isaac, and God is like me. I pout and whine and want Him there immediately to teach me, but just as I'm teaching Isaac by not holding him constantly that I'm still there but not on his demand and time schedule, that God is teaching me that He's there, but He'll reveal what He wants to reveal to me in His time. I know He has a reason for this, that He will teach me what I need taught when I need taught, and in the way that I'll best understand it. No amount of begging Him to speak to me will help. But at other times, it's like when Isaac really does just want me, and I pick him up, and I cuddle with him and feel the love of that little creature next to me. I think God is like that too, when I really need Him, He picks me up, wraps His love around me and reminds me I am His, no matter where I'm at spiritually, distant or unfocused, He hasn't moved-He's still there.
I leave you with this prayer that I read in the Valley of Vision today that I feel truly speaks of what my prayer is right now:
Give me a deeper repentance, a horror of sin, a dread of its approach;
Help me chastely to flee it, and jealousy to resolve that my heart shall be thine alone.
Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in thee, the ground of my rest, the spring of my being.
Give me a deeper knowledge of thyself, as Saviour, Master, Lord, and King.
Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in thy Word, more steadfast grip on its truth.
Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action, and let me not seek moral virtue apart from thee.
Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly Husbandman, that my being may be a tilled field, the roots of grace spreading far and wide, until thou alone art seen in me, thy beauty golden like summer harvest, they fruitfulness as autumn plenty.
I have no Master but thee, no law but thy will, no delight but thyself, no wealth but that thou givest, no good but that thou blessest, no peace but that thou bestowest.
I am nothing but that thou makest me, I have nothing but that I receive from thee, I can be nothing but that grace adorns me.
Quarry me deep, dear Lord, and then fill me to overflowing with living water.